It’s a beautiful spring day, and as usual I am messing it up and not fully enjoying it. I just logged into facebook to read a post from some poor women with health issues, her husband is leaving her and she has no income and hoping to being able to make a living online within 3 months. It is so sad, my heart is pounding hard and right now I am having a panic attack.
I have no idea how people survive such situations. I am all paralyzed just thinking about it. I was contemplating calling some friends but luckily my credit is out and I have to go to the local store to fill it and probably they are not working today. Luckily. Otherwise I would be bothering some poor soul on this gorgeous weather.
So, how did I manage to not enjoy this not working, lovely day?
First of all I canceled a day in nature with my friends. I just didn’t feel like it. I wanted time on my own, some quiet rest and just not being forced to do anything. I wanted some time to rest and some time to spend working or learning.
The first turn off was something my friend said: “We have all day long to do things”. Oh no no no. It may be that I am all wrong since I work on most of my days and I am not seeing much results. But it just doesn’t feel right for me anymore. I even get bored. I like doing things but when there is some activity. Just spending all day sitting and doing nothing does not feel right for me.
And yes, I sometimes feel I am working for nothing and just wasting my life while others just go to work and LIVE the rest of their days. But it just isn’t for me.
After my friend got angry with me (I hope it doesn’t stay that way for long) I opened a book I bought for my mom’s birthday. It is written by our most famous local actor and it is about his incredibly fun life. You know the kind of books when you start reading and you just can’t put down? Oh my god I wish I could write such a book.
Which brings me to my next subject of the day: being talented. I just feel I have no talent at all – sure I am surviving and surviving well in my given life circumstances. But I always wanted something more. I am simply not getting there and it frustrates me a lot. So what is left when you feel you are not gifted or talented? I guess hard work….
I just watched a movie with some great thoughts on this subject: “The Gambler” with Mark Wahlberg (haha I used to love New Kids On The Block and his brother Donnie Wahlberg was my favorite singer when I was 13). So if you have the time check the movie at least for the interesting thoughts about being talented.
In the middle of the day I just had to have a cup of espresso – which is my favorite coffee. I have 2 coffee bars downstairs of my building so I took the book and ordered espresso and ice cream. Oh that was a joyful half an hour! It was almost empty, great weather, a soft wind blowing, nice music and interesting caramel ice cream served in a small jar. I decided to make this my ritual at least once a week. And no I don’t need any company to do it! I felt so relaxed and revived after it.
I am off now to do my share of walking for the day, also something I have to make a daily habit. You know summer is coming and I need to be able to put a swimsuit for the pool across my street. I will share some photos of it when they open the season.
I miss my grandmother really bad, had a dream that she held my face with her hands 🙁 and I was floating in the room but someone told me I had to return and I descended down. And I woke up.
So that’s it for this day from me and not to finish with a bad feeling I plan to finish another post for this site, get a good movie and watch it tonight. Oh if life could always be like this!